Today is a slow, rainy, sad day where memories beat against the walls of my mind. I woke up in a daze from vivid dreams, where we swam in the water, magically kept afloat by abalone shells that glistened rainbow light into the sun as we held them in our hands. In my dreams, I gently slit the throats of two women, sliding the knife into their veins and letting the blood rush out; a cascade of liquid ruby jewels. I took plant medicine and journeyed out from my body, aware that I was dreaming and telling myself to remember when I woke up. My life was turned into thousands of small square pieces of paper, each one representing a part of my journey, and as I traveled I would colour them in and make my life into art. And then my whole existence was engulfed by green light that spread over me like a blanket and I remembered no more except calm and rest.
The rain is still falling and I am tired; the sound of the wind and water falling from the sky soothes my heart, sore from so much growth. I want to walk out into the rain, walk on top of mountains and be surrounded by mist and cold air. I feel too pressed in, too far from nature. It’s such a time of healing and growth that all I seek is comfort; hot cups of tea, warm blankets the colour of lilac, layers of clothing and thick stockings, cold noses and warm mouths touching mine. At the same time, I want to be alone and swimming naked in the warm, calm ocean; skin sticky with salt and sand. Dreaming of summers spent by the sea in a tiny town that once felt like home, where trains would float along the cliffs in the night. I am a mass of polarities dancing apart in opposite directions. I tried to write this in beautiful poetry, line after line that sang with clarity but it felt like such a momentum of words that needed to leave me that there was no forcing them to fit a structure. Here they lie. A gift to myself when I cannot paint my growth and healing onto a canvas. A gift of words to represent the deep ultramarine void; another world encased in cerulean, emerald dreams, where cobalt violet nights collide with the deepest ochres, the richest viridians. In that in-between space, I dwell. Smiling into the silence at the joy of creation.