Initiation.

June 12, 2018

 

I started unweaving my dreadlocks about 2 weeks ago after a month of depression and stagnation, of not painting and not feeding my heart. In a trance-like state I combed out old energy from the ends of my long hair, not really intending to go too far with it. But I finally made the decision after breaking down in tears that I was being called to let go of my dreadlocks and unweave the old magic and energy they had in them. A third of the way through I woke up in the middle of the night with the most intense agony ripping through my head from my infected wisdom tooth that has been poisoning my body for the last year and sapping my health in a myriad of ways. What ensued was 9 days of an initiation rite of the worst pain I have ever experienced. My period came on early because of the stress and I had intense cramps and back pain as well. On the days that weren't as bad I kept unweaving my hair and soon realised that all the beautiful length of my hair was going to be lost because of how split my hair actually was, which was pretty heartbreaking for me because I haven't had short hair in about 20 years. Finally when there was only 3 left, after over a week in bed, I broke down and sobbed to my love Tobius about how I felt like I was losing my magic, how I felt like I wasn't worthy of him and didn't even want him to look at me, how fucking boring and plain and unspecial I felt without my long hair and how I was on instagram all the time comparing myself to all the beautiful long haired fairies feeling like I had nothing to offer anyone. And through talking it out I realised that I had to cut my hair short and really face the illusion that I would lose my magic without my long hair and to stop hiding behind physical image like it defines who a person actually is. I was listening to the Medicine Stories podcast (highly recommend) and in one of the interviews with Stephen Harrod Buhner he says something like "The form of something does not define the meaning." And even though logically I know this, it really struck a chord with me. We are all infinitely more than the physical form and aesthetic choices we make and our magic lies in our hearts, not in hair or skin or bone. So after 9 days of agony, I woke up this morning after Tobius cut my hair last night, for the first time without any pain. I don't know if it's a coincidence but I have let go of so much and I feel like this has been a huge initiation into the next stage of my life. I go into surgery on Thursday to get 5 teeth removed and finally start to heal my body from way too long of shitty health, fatigue and depression. I don't feel entirely comfortable with my hair but I had to do it to prove to myself that either way I'm badass and can do anything haha
I won't be posting anything much until after then so I'm sending you all heaps of love and abundance. Winter time always pulls me deep and I'm so thankful for the dark time of the year to integrate and heal.
Love always, Zoe xox

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